Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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