Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
