no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
