my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
We need a shit load of segways right now
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
