Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
