do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
