Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
