Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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