I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
