there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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