I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
