mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
