shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
only you would photoshop your dick
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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