Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Randomize
