i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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