My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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