I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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