Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Enjoy the penises
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
