one might say we're banned from that church
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
