My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
