The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
