I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
