"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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