i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
