if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
