my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
he fucked my hip out of place.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
