I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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