I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
