Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
