...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
