Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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