walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
