i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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