Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Congratulations! We have a period
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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