Can i not drive my cunt home
My sheets look like a crime scene.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
