I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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