Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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