i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
