i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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