so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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