Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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