who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
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