yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
