We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
