I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
