I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
