you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
