So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
