my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
