I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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