Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
