Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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