If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
